I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
