Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
