I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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