Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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