Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
