hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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