how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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