I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
