I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
