thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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