i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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