If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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