life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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