hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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