whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize