I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
