U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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