yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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