The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
