He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize