Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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