Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize