I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
