dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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