This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
