You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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