apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
