I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
