I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
