I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
