I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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