I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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