do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
