I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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