Are we in a gay sports bar?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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