I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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