dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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