if you like me you must not know who I am
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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