So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
