How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
