I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
