I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is wine microwaveable?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
