seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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