I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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