Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
