You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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