i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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