maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We smell like vodka and hangover
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