You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize