a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
