why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize