Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm always down for nudity.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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