there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
