May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
