Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
