Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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