sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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