Non-Jews are for practice
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
