I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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