The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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