he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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