my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize