someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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