Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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