I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
