rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Randomize
