bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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