dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
