He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
